March 6, 2013

This week started out rough.  Before school on Monday, we were running late and the kids were just NOT listening.  I had to keep repeating myself over and over again and I was just not getting through to them.  They wouldn't eat, they took their time getting coats on when it was time to be at the bus stop and I ended up yelling like a maniac.  I feel like I ran out of patience way too quickly.  When I loose my patience & yell like a crazy woman, I feel guilty and feeling guilty about the way you handle things with your children can be the worst feeling in the world.  I felt defeated.  I felt like the worst parent ever & that feeling sucks.  It was not their fault we were running late, it was mine.  I should have gotten up earlier.  In fact, there are several things I should've done differently.  I know that no one is perfect & parenting is difficult.  We're going to have our good days & our bad days and we have a whole lot more of good days than bad.  But on the bad days, I wish I could control myself just a little bit better.  Stop and remember the good days.  Not yell as much because that is NOT setting a good example for them.  I don't want them to be angry and yell, but here I am, yelling. 

So many thoughts ran through my head the whole day at work on Monday.  I figured the kids probably hated me.  Skylar, especially.  She caught my wrath the most of them all.  I told Creag how bad I felt and he tried to reassure me which helped some.  I couldn't wait until 4:00 when Skylar would call me after school so I could apologize.  When she called, and I finally got my chance to apologize, she just said, "it's OK Mom, I know it was crazy this morning."  I was forgiven & that's the best feeling in the world.  Sometimes I guess I just over think things way too much.  I was so worried that she was so mad at me all day for the way that I treated her, like I was failing as a parent.  I know as an adult, I probably would've held a grudge all day.  Kids are different, though.  They seem so resilient and just able to brush things off & move on.  They don't hold grudges, they just love unconditionally.  That day, my daughter set an example for me to not hold grudges.  Brush off the petty things because life is crazy and in the madness of it all you sometimes forget the good and only focus on the bad.  I need to not let the bad mask all of the good that we have in our life.  I also need to realize that I'm not going to be the perfect parent, I probably never will be.  I just need more patience & to brush off the petty stuff and we will all be fine!